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Mother
Column:Celina Penteado (Feb 2006)
Translated by Monica Yasuzawa
Read original in Portuguese

Nothing is the way it used to be.

Yet, nothing has changed.

And I ask myself everyday what happened. The answer must be very complicated as you insist on not telling me.

It must be like one of those silly innocent questions I used to ask when I was little.

After a deep breath you used to find a very poetic way to tell me everything I wanted to know. Now that I’ve grown, no answer seems to be good enough.

And being faced with this feeling of longing, I feel like that little girl who looked at you with her eyes full of doubts, but knowing the answer was on its way.

Where have you gone?

What is it like up there? Do you know more than you used to know?

Have you deciphered the mysteries of the universe? Have you found your star? Do you feel cold or you still like the heat?

Do you have beaches up there?

I wonder if the high tides are really the cause of rain.

Your Persian rugs, we sold them.

I wonder if you mind.

That English tea set, since no-one wanted it, I got it! Milk first, I will never forget!

Do I have to like people I never liked? Can I be a rebel?

At night, I catch myself imagining this place called Heaven.

Does it look like Paris in spring time or does it have that autumnal British air? Are there dogs? I hope so, heaven would be very sad without them, wouldn’t it?

Do you feel sleepy? Thirsty? Still go on Diet? Or you spend the day telling everyone what’s new with everyone down here?

You were always so talkative, everyone must be feeling very well informed.

And here I am still waiting for news from there…

Have you forgotten about me?

No, I don’t think so.

It must be very peaceful there.

Like the days when we came back from a walk and I used to lay on your lap to rest and hear you telling me fantastic stories that made me sleep soundly…

I miss having peace. I miss your embrace. I miss believing the truth.

Ever since you’re gone… nothing is like it used to be, but I’m stronger and more independent, as you always imagined and as I never thought possible.

Ever since you’re gone, I understood that you’re preparing my place up there, as you’ve always done down here!

It’s going to take a while.

I’ll only believe in heaven once you answer my questions.

And mom… I grew up.

Celina Penteado is a Brazilian publicist and journalist. Her passions in life include gastronomy, wines, and traveling... the art of living well. After living in Europe for many years, she returned to Rio de Janeiro, the place she considers the best in the world to live...Well!!